2000
Talkin' 'Bout da Movies
Click here to read my original Oscar Pix!
A pretty good broadcast, I guess, except for the parts where they actually gave out the awards. The Zanucks came in promising to tighten the show up, and it ended up being the longest one yet. It was that kinda year.
This is the second year that the Academy controlled the pregame show, and we’re starting to see a demonstration of the Theory of Infinitely Diminishing Emcees: last year it was authentic Oscar winner Geena Davis, and this year they settled for Meredith Viera and Tyra Banks. Who will they get next year? My guess: Carrot Top.
I liked having all of the best song nominees performed together instead of being spread out through the program. Some of the songs were pretty good, which made for a nice interlude. If, like most years, all of the nominated songs had stunk, it would have been a great time for a bathroom break. So this is a tradition I hope they continue.
Wes Bentley looked every bit the pretentious little weasel I suspect he is in real life.
What’s the point of cutting the dance numbers if they’re just going to bring the show to a screeching halt with that long salute to Oscar-nominated songs throughout history? If they hadn’t managed to get Isaac Hayes to do “Theme from Shaft,” it would have been a complete waste.
Nominees:
AMERICAN
BEAUTY
THE CIDER HOUSE RULES
THE
GREEN MILE
THE INSIDER
THE
SIXTH SENSE
Who Should Win: THE CIDER HOUSE RULES
Who Will Win: AMERICAN BEAUTY
Who DID Win: AMERICAN BEAUTY
Oh. Oh. Oh. Such a huge surprise. I didn’t bother sticking around for the acceptance speech, which I knew would be stupid. I turned off the TV. It was 9:34 PM. I went straight to bed.
Nominees:
Russell Crowe,
THE INSIDER
Richard
Farnsworth,
THE STRAIGHT STORY
Sean Penn,
SWEET
AND LOWDOWN
Kevin Spacey,
AMERICAN
BEAUTY
Denzel Washington,
THE HURRICANE
Who Should Win: Richard Farnsworth, THE STRAIGHT STORY
Who Will Win: Denzel Washington, THE HURRICANE
Who DID Win: Kevin Spacey, AMERICAN BEAUTY
This is one I should have called. In keeping with the general adolescent nature of his performance, Kevin Spacey promptly gave one of the most smug and self-satisfied acceptance speeches in memory. You’re trying my patience, Kevin. Don’t make me hate you. Oops! Too late. We finally got a look at this mysterious “Dianne” woman whom Kevin keeps invoking whenever anyone asks about his personal life. That ought to quiet rumors about his homosexuality for about, oh, I’d say at least twenty minutes.
Nominees:
Annette Bening,
AMERICAN
BEAUTY
Janet McTeer,
TUMBLEWEEDS
Julianne Moore,
THE END OF THE AFFAIR
Meryl Streep,
MUSIC
OF THE HEART
Hilary Swank,
BOYS
DON’T CRY
Who Should Win: Hilary Swank, BOYS DON’T CRY
Who Will Win: Hilary Swank, BOYS DON’T CRY
Who DID Win: Hilary Swank, BOYS DON’T CRY
Yes yes yes yes yes yes YES!!! This win is so important for so many reasons! One of which, of course, is that she deserved it. An equally important reason is that Hilary Swank all alone prevented AMERICAN BEAUTY from sweeping Picture, Actor, Actress, and Director, a feat only achieved thus far by IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT (1934), ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST (1975), and SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991). It was bad enough when the glorified B-movie SILENCE OF THE LAMBS did it, but the idea of AMERICAN BEAUTY sweeping was too horrible to contemplate. I’m also pleased that the wonderful Annette Bening did not get recognized for the worst role of her career. If they want to retroactively take away the 1991 Best Supporting Actress Oscar from Whoopi Goldberg and give it to Annette, that’s perfectly fine with me—just please don’t reward that misogynist, one-note performance.
Nominees:
Michael Caine,
THE CIDER HOUSE RULES
Tom Cruise,
MAGNOLIA
Michael
Clarke Duncan,
THE
GREEN MILE
Jude Law,
THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY
Haley Joel
Osment,
THE
SIXTH SENSE
Who Should Win: Michael Caine, THE CIDER HOUSE RULES
Who Will Win: Tom Cruise, MAGNOLIA
Who DID Win: Michael Caine, THE CIDER HOUSE RULES
Well, this is nice. Not only did it go to the person I thought was most deserving of the award, but Caine extemporaneously saluting all his fellow nominees was one of the most gracious acceptance speeches I’ve ever heard.
Nominees:
Toni Collette,
THE
SIXTH SENSE
Angelina Jolie,
GIRL,
INTERRUPTED
Catherine
Keener,
BEING JOHN MALKOVICH
Samantha Morton,
SWEET
AND LOWDOWN
Chloë Sevigny,
BOYS
DON’T CRY
Who Should Win: Samantha Morton, SWEET AND LOWDOWN
Who Will Win: Angelina Jolie, GIRL, INTERRUPTED
Who DID Win: Angelina Jolie, GIRL, INTERRUPTED
No surprise here. Angelina Jolie also wins the award for Creepiest Acceptance Speech, with her HOTEL NEW HAMPSHIRE-esque outpouring of affection for her brother Jamie. Um, Angelina, it’s great that you’re so close to your brother and all, but we’re getting into a whole weird area here.
Nominees:
Sam Mendes,
AMERICAN
BEAUTY
Spike Jonze,
BEING JOHN MALKOVICH
Lasse Hallström,
THE CIDER HOUSE RULES
Michael Mann,
THE INSIDER
M. Night
Shyamalan,
THE
SIXTH SENSE
Who Should Win: Spike Jonze, BEING JOHN MALKOVICH
Who Will Win: Sam Mendes, AMERICAN BEAUTY
Who DID Win: Sam Mendes, AMERICAN BEAUTY
Well, knock me over with a feather. Predictably, Sam Mendes turns out to
be an affected limey fop who doesn’t know the first thing about directing a
movie about America, despite his self-aggrandizing claim to the contrary. That
he would stand in front of everybody and invoke the name of
Billy Wilder
is an offense that merits—and I am being very
lenient here—the death penalty.
Nominees:
Alan Ball,
AMERICAN
BEAUTY
Charlie Kaufman,
BEING JOHN MALKOVICH
P. T.
Anderson,
MAGNOLIA
M. Night
Shyamalan,
THE
SIXTH SENSE
Mike Leigh,
TOPSY
TURVY
Who Should Win: P.T. Anderson, MAGNOLIA
Who Will Win: M. Night Shyalaman, THE SIXTH SENSE
Who DID Win: Alan Ball, AMERICAN BEAUTY
Another travesty, alleviated slightly by Kevin “Look at Me” Spacey unintentionally humiliating Ball during his own acceptance speech. Hee.
Nominees:
John Irving,
THE CIDER HOUSE RULES
Alexander Payne
& Jim Taylor,
ELECTION
Frank Darabont,
THE
GREEN MILE
Eric Roth &
Michael Mann,
THE INSIDER
Anthony Minghella,
THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY
Who Should Win: Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor, ELECTION
Who Will Win: John Irving, THE CIDER HOUSE RULES
Who DID Win: John Irving, THE CIDER HOUSE RULES
Okay, he wasn’t my choice. But I can’t get too mad about John Irving getting an Academy Award, so I guess it all evens out.
Nominees:
Trey Parker
& Marc Shaiman,
“Blame Canada” (SOUTH
PARK: BIGGER, LONGER, AND UNCUT)
Diane Warren,
“Music of My Heart” (MUSIC
OF THE HEART)
Aimee Mann, “Save Me” (MAGNOLIA)
Randy Newman, “When She
Loved Me” (TOY
STORY 2)
Phil Collins, “You’ll Be
In My Heart” (TARZAN)
Who Should Win: Aimee Mann, “Save Me” (MAGNOLIA)
Who Will Win: Randy Newman, “When She Loved Me” (TOY STORY 2)
Who DID Win: Phil Collins, “You’ll Be In My Heart” (TARZAN)
Okay, this one makes me MAD. This year we had an unusually good and, dare
I say it, even somewhat hip collection of nominees for Best Song, in marked
contrast to the usual Disney pop schmaltzfests that dominate every year. I even
kind of liked the Randy Newman song! So what do they do? They give it to the
schmaltziest Disney pop monstrosity in recent memory. I really wonder if the
members of the Academy have any idea how much they’re revealing about what we
can expect to find in their CD changers.
Well, that’s that. Four hours and ten minutes later, that is definitely that. I correctly predicted 5 of 9 winners for a score of 56 percent, well above the 33 percent I scored last year. If I’d been completely honest with myself I’d probably have called the Best Actor and Best Original Screenplay winners too, but the thought of calling two more races for AMERICAN BEAUTY was too stomach-turning to contemplate. My Academy Synergy Quotient was 22 percent, with 2 of the 9 awards going to the people to whom I would have given them. This year especially, I am proud to have such a low score.
The Oscars have committed such grievous crimes against humanity this year that there must be a reckoning. In my capacity as judge, jury, and executioner, then, I hand out the following punishments.
The Academy Awards are banned from my good graces for five years. Until March 26, 2005, the Oscars are officially stupid, pointless, and cruel, and I hate them. If the Academy does something really outstandingly surprising, like actually give an award to my favorite film or actor one year, I will consider parole. Don’t count on it.
Likewise, Kevin Spacey is on probation for five years from my good graces. If he is nominated for anything in that time, I will not select him as my choice, even if I secretly think he deserves the award. Parole is even less likely here.
Annette Bening was saved from punishment by virtue of not winning. But I’m keeping my eye on her.
Sam Mendes and Alan Ball are both banned for life.
I have nothing against Conrad L. Hall, who won the award for Best Cinematography for AMERICAN BEAUTY, but none must be spared, so he gets a slap on the wrist and a one-year suspension from respect.
Wes Bentley was not nominated for anything, but he pisses me off, so I’m giving him a lifetime ban too.
Wait! I just remembered Conrad Hall’s creepy paean to pedophilia during his acceptance speech. Lifetime ban.
Think I’ll throw in Phil Collins, too. Giving him, oh, let’s say twenty years. He shouldn’t expect any respect from me afterwards, either.
I don’t think I forgot anybody, but I reserve the right to expand the Oscar wing of the prison at a later date.
That makes me feel better. Remember, just because I have nothing but contempt for Oscars for the next five years doesn’t mean I won’t still be making picks, so check back in 50 weeks for my take on the movies of 2000. Later.
“I’m—I’m in shock. And I’m so in love with my brother right now. He just held me and said he loved me. And I know he’s so happy for me. And thank you for that.... Jamie, you’re just—I have nothing without you. You are the strongest, most amazing man I’ve ever known. And I love you. And thank you so much.”
—Angelina Jolie
