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Paul's Oscar Wrap-up
2004

Relive the magic. Click here for the pix.

And click here for the performance graph. Everyone likes graphs!

I really think I may have made myself slightly sick this weekend. I feel like crap, my head still hurts, and I seem to have picked up a persistent cough that I can't get rid of. Better get to sleep early tonight. I'm so glad I live on the West Coast. We'll be done before 10, while the Easterners will have to wait until after midnight! And they've got work tomorrow! Ha ha!

Billy Crystal/Bruce Vilanch Hack Timeline:

Attention producer Joe Roth: Billy Crystal? Again? Jiminy H. Christmas. What, did Jon Stewart have a conflict or something? You didn't even ask Jon Stewart, did you? No, you didn't. If I were Academy president Frank Pierson you would be so incredibly fired right now.

Why is Robin Williams imitating Quentin Crisp? Wait, I guess that's supposed to be Elmer Fudd. That's pretty good.

Oh, here comes the Bob Hope weep-a-thon. We all knew this was coming, people; just--just settle, and it'll be over soon. But I will say this: How is it that Bob Hope, a putrescent barnacle on the ass of Hollywood for almost a century, can recite more genuinely funny Oscar-host quips in one three-minute retrospective than Bruce Vilanch has ever written in his life?

Elvis Costello! Sting! What is this, the 2004 I Used To Be Cool But Now I Suck Tour? (I guess as long as Robin Williams is already in the building...)

And no, Annie Lennox is not part of that tour. Annie Lennox will always be cool.

The CGI lip-synching and voice impersonation in that M&M commercial with Judy Garland are a little too good. It's really starting to freak me out.

Julia Roberts memorializing Katherine Hepburn is like George W. Bush memorializing Abraham Lincoln. It's offensive and whoever dreamed it up should be horsewhipped.

I seem to have lost part of a filling in one of my molars. It feels like there's a small hole there all of a sudden, and I can't stop playing with it with my tongue. Better get that checked out.

Dude! Errol Morris just won an Oscar. First Randy Newman, now Errol Morris. What will they do next year, give one to Martin Scorsese? (Nah, I'm just screwin' with ya.) He gives the first political speech of the night, too. You rock, Errol!

And now "Mitch and Mickey" are performing the nominated song from A Mighty Wind, on guitar and autoharp! And they kissed! Why did things stop sucking all of a sudden? Should we worry?

Okay, now they're giving Return of the King a bunch more awards. Things have returned to normal.

Anyway, here's the categories...

Best Picture

Nominees:
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Lost in Translation
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
Mystic River
Seabiscuit

Who Should Win: Seabiscuit
Who Will Win: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Who DID Win: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Thank you. Thank you very much. Boy, this thing is heavy! Well, I'd like to thank the Academy, of course, for turning this night into such a predictable bore, and for overloading Return of the Suck with so many awards that otherwise would have gone to more deserving filmmakers, and in the process allowing me to rack up such an impressive batting average this year. Thank you.

Best Actor in a Lead Role

Nominees:
Johnny Depp, Overrated Disneyland Ride
Ben Kingsley, House of Sand and Fog
Jude Law, Cold Mountain
Bill Murray, Lost in Translation
Sean Penn, Mystic River

Who Should Win: Bill Murray, Lost in Translation
Who Will Win: Sean Penn, Mystic River
Who DID Win: Sean Penn, Mystic River

"If there's one thing actors know, other than that there were no WMDs..." Kick ass! Sean Penn provides the biggest surprise of the night by delivering a thoroughly normal, human-sounding acceptance speech. Sean Penn! Normal! Human-sounding! Well done, Spicoli!

Best Actress in a Lead Role

Nominees:
Keisha Castle-Hughes, Whale Rider
Diane Keaton, Something's Gotta Give
Samantha Morton, In America
Charlize Theron, Monster
Naomi Watts, 21 Grams

Who Should Win: Keisha Castle-Hughes, Whale Rider
Who Will Win: Charlize Theron, Monster
Who DID Win: Charlize Theron, Monster

Everybody loves a ho! The Ho Rule stands inviolate! Thank you! Yes, I do rule! Thank you!

Charlize Theron appears to be turning orange. Too much beta carotene, or a problem with my set?

I didn't know she was from South Africa. Where's her accent? Suspicious.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

Nominees:
Alec Baldwin, The Cooler
Benicio Del Toro, 21 Grams
Djimon Hounsou, In America
Tim Robbins, Mystic River
Ken Watanabe, The Last Samurai

Who Should Win: Tim Robbins, Mystic River
Who Will Win: Tim Robbins, Mystic River
Who DID Win: Tim Robbins, Mystic River

What, you were expecting Djimon Hounsou? Get real.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role

Nominees:
Shohreh Aghdashloo, House of Sand and Fog
Patricia Clarkson, Pieces of April
Marcia Gay Harden, Mystic River
Holly Hunter, Thirteen
Renée Zellweger, Cold Mountain

Who Should Win: Marcia Gay Harden, Mystic River
Who Will Win: Renée Zellweger, Cold Mountain
Who DID Win: Renée Zellweger, Cold Mountain

Is not best speech of night. Is a little, how you say, "run off at the mouth," no? But hey, that's okay. I adore you so much, you rosy-cheeked little cutie, that you can just ramble on absolutely as much as you want.

Attention Marcia Gay Harden: Hellooooo in there! Where were you hiding that cleavage during Mystic River? Now I really wish you'd won.

Best Director

Nominees:
Sofia Coppola, Lost in Translation
Clint Eastwood, Mystic River
Peter Jackson, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Fernando Meirelles, City of God
Peter Weir, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

Who Should Win: Sofia Coppola, Lost in Translation
Who Will Win: Peter Jackson, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Who DID Win: Peter Jackson, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Peter Jackson's victory is a victory for nerds everywhere, be they former splatter filmmakers from New Zealand or 35-year-old virgins who live in their parents' basement in Bloomington, Illinois and spend their days silently dreaming of the day Sarah Michelle Gellar starts doing hardcore pornography. I think we're all gonna have a little trouble getting to sleep tonight.

Best Writing - Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen

Nominees:
Denys Arcand, The Barbarian Invasions
Steve Knight, Dirty Pretty Things
Andrew Stanton, Bob Peterson, David Reynolds, Finding Nemo
Jim Sheridan, Naomi Sheridan, Kirsten Sheridan, In America
Sofia Coppola, Lost in Translation

Who Should Win: Steve Knight, Dirty Pretty Things
Who Will Win: Sofia Coppola, Lost in Translation
Who DID Win: Sofia Coppola, Lost in Translation

I think that was one of the best acceptance speeches of the night so far. Sofia Coppola sure looks regal tonight, too. You'd never guess she helped make such a mess of The Godfather, Part III.

Does Pantoliano ever take off that Kangol anymore? That was Pantoliano in the crowd shot, wasn't it?

Best Writing - Screenplay Based on Material from Another Medium

Nominees:
Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini, American Splendor
Bráulio Mantovani, City of God
Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson, Frances Walsh, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Brian Helgeland, Mystic River
Gary Ross, Seabiscuit

Who Should Win: Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini, American Splendor
Who Will Win: Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson, Frances Walsh, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Who DID Win: Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson, Frances Walsh, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

You people did not believe me, did you? Fools!

Best Sound

Nominees:
Andy Nelson, Anna Behlmer, Jeff Wexler, The Last Samurai
Christopher Boyes, Michael Semanick, Michael Hedges, Hammond Peek, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Paul Massey, Doug Hemphill, Art Rochester , Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
Christopher Boyes, David Parker, David E. Campbell, Lee Orloff, Overrated Disneyland Ride
Andy Nelson, Anna Behlmer, Tod A. Maitland, Seabiscuit

Who Should Win: Christopher Boyes, Michael Semanick, Michael Hedges, Hammond Peek, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Who Will Win: Christopher Boyes, Michael Semanick, Michael Hedges, Hammond Peek, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Who DID Win: Christopher Boyes, Michael Semanick, Michael Hedges, Hammond Peek, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Oh, please. I deserve no credit for this. It was a gimme and you know it.

Wrap-up Wrap-up

ONE.
HUNDRED.
PERCENT.

One hundred percent. One hundred percent. One hundred percent. One hundred percent. One hundred percent. One hundred percent. One hundred percent. One hundred percent. One hundred percent. One hundred percent.

I rule.

"However did you do it, Paul?" I did it, children, by ignoring my gut entirely and slavishly aping the Hollywood conventional wisdom in every category. Let this be a lesson to you all. My Synergy Quotient is a significantly smaller 22 percent, which, I assure you, does not depress me.

God, I love the Oscars. It's the one time of year when my natural hatefulness and cynicism is not only accepted, but actually encouraged. I rule. See ya next year.

--Paul
March 1, 2004

"Don't worry; they have me under a restraining order."
--Adrien Brody