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Paul's Oscar Wrap-up
2005

The original pix. Read them again for the very first time.

And click here for eight years of results in convenient graph form!

It’s the Paul’s Oscar Pix Drinking Game! Play along at home:

This is great. If I keep going at this rate my 2009 Oscar Pix will contain nothing but self-referential asides and take 30 minutes to write.

For the first time in recent memory, the Oscars are getting off to a great start, with America’s most trenchant social commentator, Chris Rock at the reins. Matt Drudge was going on earlier this month about how the decision to have Rock host was going to backfire on the Academy, as his brand of humor doesn’t go over very well in the Bushistan parts of the United States (after all, in his stage routines Chris Rock often uses the kinds of words Dick Cheney likes to use on the floor of the Senate). However, it’s important to remember that Matt Drudge is a moron. If at some point henceforth you come across evidence that you believe suggests that Drudge is not a moron, please reread the previous sentence.

Right out of the gate Chris Rock’s really hitting them where they live. Take that, Jude Law, Tobey Maguire, Nicole Kidman, Colin Farrell, and Cuba Gooding, Jr.! I didn’t think Oscar presenters were allowed to comment publicly on the relative star power of other entertainment personalities. After tonight, they probably won’t be.

I love his podium too. Gotta get me some Lucite furniture like that.

Looking good:

Looking not so good:

Our first award tonight:

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

Nominees:

Who Should Win: The Guy From Wings, Sideways
Who Will Win: The Guy From Wings, Sideways
Who DID Win: Morgan Freeman, Million Dollar Baby

Gee, if I’d realized Morgan Freeman hadn’t ever won an Oscar before, I’d have given him more of a chance. I was certain he’d won for Driving Miss Daisy, for some reason. Guess I should’ve done a little more research beforehand, huh?

A Viagra joke! Robin Williams, you irrepressible scamp, you’re making us all miss 1997 terribly. We’re lookin’ forward to the Monica Lewinsky jokes next year, dude! If they really want to tighten up the show, they should station a sniper in the mezzanine to take out Robin Williams after 15 seconds.

Ah, and there’s Williams’s second Elmer Fudd impression in as many years. You just keep right on whipping that dead horse there, Mork.

They’re playing the title theme from Star Trek: The Next Generation, and there doesn’t seem to be any reason for it. Are we supposed to have picked up on that, or was it just supposed to be generic majestic orchestral music?

Best Actress in a Supporting Role

Nominees:

Who Should Win: Laura Linney, Kinsey
Who Will Win: Cate Blanchett, The Aviator
Who DID Win: Cate Blanchett, The Aviator

That’ll be the first of many Oscars for Cate Blanchett, I think we can safely assume.

Sure enough, they’re handing out some of the awards in the audience, and as it turns out it’s not nearly as cheesy as I was afraid it would be: the nominees are all seated along the aisles, and when they win they slip out of their seats and walk up to strategically placed microphone stands to accept. I was worried the Oscar would just end up getting passed down the row of seats like a hot dog at a baseball game.

Having all the nominees already on stage for the reading of the winner, on the other hand, makes it look like Halle Berry’s about to thank them for being with the company for five years and give them little desk clocks silkscreened with the corporate logo.

Credit where credit is due: The Spartacus Pepsi commercial is hilarious.

Best Documentary Feature

Nominees:

Who Should Win: Super Size Me
Who Will Win: The Story of the Weeping Camel
Who DID Win: Born Into Brothels: Calcutta’s Red Light Kids

This is another one I probably could have picked if I’d given it more thought. Even the title sounds important.

In real life, Orlando Bloom doesn’t look anything like that elf thing he played for the past three years—who knew? I bet he still makes uncommonly good cookies, though. (He does it magically, in a hollow tree.)

Best Writing - Screenplay Based on Material from Another Medium

Nominees:

Who Should Win: Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor, Sideways
Who Will Win: Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor, Sideways
Who DID Win: Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor, Sideways

Yaaaaaaaayyy! I’ll just pretend that this Oscar is for one of Payne’s other movies that I liked more. I have an active fantasy life that helps keep me from getting too depressed by the world. For several years earlier this decade I pretended that Martin Sheen was really the president and that The West Wing was a weekly hour-long newscast. It made life so much better.

One of the most rewarding honorary Oscars we’ve seen in a long time goes to the great Sidney Lumet, the ultimate actor’s director. I can’t believe the guy’s still doing it after almost 50 years (his Find Me Guilty is likely to bring me to the theater the first week it’s out), and if his appearance tonight is any indication he’ll be making movies for us for another decade at least. I’m just sorry they didn’t get a chance to give one to Lumet’s contemporary John Frankenheimer before he passed on.

I can’t believe they’re not even showing clips from the nominated short films this year. These changes they’re making to shorten the broadcast’s running time are pretty blatantly designed to shove all but the most glamorous awards into the corner, which is an understandable impulse to some degree, but it makes it look like the Academy is embarrassed to have to hand out all the other awards. Is it really that important that the show not go over this year? It’s not like we viewers have some place else we’ve gotta be. We’ve planned our evening around the show, so go ahead and make it as long as it needs to be. Would it help if we promised not to make fun of how long the show is anymore?

You know, if they really wanted to shorten the show, they could cut out the interminable renditions of the Best Song nominees. Also, they could shoot Prince, which is something someone should have taken care of a long time ago anyway. They could use the same sniper they bring in for Robin Williams.

Look, the guy who just won for Best Song has to lean way over to reach the microphone because Prince is like three and a half feet tall. As the man who won this category two years ago often reminds us, short people got no reason to live.

Best Actress in a Lead Role

Nominees:

Who Should Win: Hilary Swank, Million Dollar Baby
Who Will Win: Hilary Swank, Million Dollar Baby
Who DID Win: Hilary Swank, Million Dollar Baby

Hilary’s back! And by “Hilary’s back,” I of course mean “Hilary’s back is visible all the way down to her ass crack.” Not that I am complaining.

If Hilary Swank is allowed to thank her lawyers without the orchestra playing her off stage, then surely there’s room in the schedule for a few two-second clips of the short film nominees. That’s all I’m sayin’.

I was just kidding before, short people. You know I love all y’all. I’m hardly Shaquille O’Neal myself, after all.

Best Writing - Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen

Nominees:

Who Should Win: Terry George, Keir Pearson, Hotel Rwanda
Who Will Win: John Logan, The Aviator
Who DID Win: Charlie Kaufman, Michel Gondry, Pierre Bismuth, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Boy, that one really came out of left field. I doubt I’m the only one to have muffed this category tonight.

Best Actor in a Lead Role

Nominees:

Who Should Win: Don Cheadle, Hotel Rwanda
Who Will Win: Jamie Foxx, Ray
Who DID Win: Jamie Foxx, Ray

Best acceptance speech of the night. How long has that bizarre tattoo on the back of Jamie Foxx’s skull been there? I guess if you’re going to mutilate yourself with a tattoo, you might as well do it where you can hide it easily when you get tired of it.

Best Director

Nominees:

Who Should Win: Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby
Who Will Win: Martin Scorsese, The Aviator
Who DID Win: Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby

Well, this doesn’t look good for my Best Picture prediction, that's for sure. I'm not really cheered by the fact that the voting members of the Academy are in sync with me on this one, either; that usually seems to mean that my own artistic judgment was faulty, rather than that theirs was spot on.

Best Picture

Nominees:

Who Should Win: The Aviator
Who Will Win: The Aviator
Who DID Win: Million Dollar Baby

Okay, well, the night was destined to tip in favor of one of those two movies, and I put my money on the wrong horse, which is going to have a negative effect on my batting average. I have no regrets.

Wrap-up Wrap-up

Well, Gil Cates went to great lengths to shorten the show, and he got what he wanted: it’s 8:41 PM and I have nothing to do for the rest of the evening. Boy, good plan! As the winner of the Best Live Action Short said it best, tonight was truly the dog’s bollocks. See you again in 11 months and two weeks.

I’m Spartacus!

—Paul
February 27, 2005

“I want to thank everybody and anybody who ever had anything to do with the making of this picture.”
—Morgan Freeman