It seems like only yesterday that my Oscar Pix came out. Go read them again.
And who wants graphs? I do! I do!

If I may quote myself from two years ago: “Billy Crystal? Again? Jiminy H. Christmas. What, did Jon Stewart have a conflict or something? You didn't even ask Jon Stewart, did you?” Until I hear differently, therefore, I'm going to assume I'm the one who gave them the idea.

And as a presenter, Jon turns out to be… pretty darn good, mainly because he’s just doing The Daily Show schtick transplanted to the Oscar stage rather than trotting out lame quips from the likes of Bruce Vilanch. Some of the jokes fell flat, at least at first, but as he got comfortable with the audience and vice versa he found his rhythm. Easily one of the better Oscar hosts of the past decade, at least. I fully expect to read dismissive reviews about his performance in the entertainment press in the upcoming days.

I had to go to Ann Coulter’s web site today—never mind why; it was a regrettable necessity—and I saw that in her latest column she describes the plot of Munich thusly: “Jew athletes at Munich had it coming.” What the fuck!? Even if she hasn’t seen the film—and I can only assume that she has not—has she heard of Steven Spielberg, at all, ever? The director of Schindler’s List? Creator of the Shoah Foundation? Executive producer of The Last Days? Seriously, is there any high-profile person in Hollywood today who has done more for the Jews than Steven Spielberg? I assume her thought process here goes something like this: Munich is a Hollywood film about terrorists; Hollywood films are made by liberals; liberals like terrorists; therefore, Munich must be about how good terrorists are. In truth, I actually feel kind of sorry for Ann Coulter. She used to be just another pundit, but her meal ticket has come to depend on her being outrageous and provocative, so that if she were to suddenly say something thoughtful and nuanced it would actually hurt her career. But someone who’s professionally outrageous has to keep outdoing herself or she’ll become old news, so eventually—and this is already starting to happen—she’ll become so offensive that even the Republicans won’t want anything to do with her. It can’t be a fun way to make a living.

Anyway, here’s my reax recorded in realtime:

Nominees:

Who Should Win: Matt Dillon, Crash
Who Will Win: George Clooney, Syriana
Who DID Win: George Clooney, Syriana

One for one! Good on George for defending the “out of touch” Hollywood community for raising awareness about issues before the great mass of mouth-breathing humanity in the red states gets around to them. What’s with this idea that it’s good to speak out about things you think are important unless you’re famous enough for it to actually do some good? That doesn’t make any sense.

You know who should really get nominated for an Oscar? Maggie Gyllenhaal. I don’t care what movie it’s for. Just pick one and run with it.

The thing where Tom Hanks gets shot with a tranquilizer dart when his acceptance speech goes too long has merit, but I prefer my idea about having a sniper take out the Best Song nominees after 30 seconds. Still a good idea.

Nominees:

Who Should Win: Howard Berger, Tami Lane, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Who Will Win: Howard Berger, Tami Lane, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Who DID Win: Howard Berger, Tami Lane, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

The streak continues! Never let it be said that I don’t go for the low-hanging fruit when it presents itself. Say, that Tami Lane sure is a cutie. Must be the makeup.

The Scientific, Technical, Arts & Literature, Small Fries, and a Medium Coke Awards were presented by someone named Rachel McAdams, whom I’ve never heard of. A search reveals that she’s Canadian, she’s 29, and has been in Red Eye, which I’ve never heard of; The Notebook, which I’ve never heard of; and The Wedding Crashers, which I’ve heard of but haven’t seen. It’s getting harder to deny that I’m finally over the hill.

Nominees:

Who Should Win: Catherine Keener, Capote
Who Will Win: Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
Who DID Win: Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener

Score! I really kind of wish they’d stop it with the split-screen shots of all the losers trying to keep it together after the winner’s name is announced. It’s unnecessarily mean.

So now they’ve got this Tab energy drink targeted at women, only it’s not Tab, it’s just being marketed as part of the Tab product line, I guess because in 2006 that’s a name with real cachet. I do like that Tab Energy commercial because, um… boobies!!

Lauren Bacall is having trouble making it through her tribute to the great suspense films of the Golden Age, or whatever. Should we worry?

Did you recognize the voices of Rob Corddry and Stephen Colbert in Jon Stewart’s negative campaign commercials about the nominees? If not, you really should be watching The Daily Show instead of whatever else it is that you’re doing at that time of the night.

That Corinne Marrinan who just won for Documentary Short Subject is pretty cute too. A bit heavy around the middle, but there’s nothing wrong with that. I likes me the big girls.

Sigh. I really need to go on a date. What a long, rainy, depressing winter it’s been.

The awesome docco Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room gets beat by that French movie about penguins. Was there even the slightest chance that wasn’t going to happen? All the Frogs come up on stage carrying stuffed penguins and one of them starts making what are apparently penguin noises. God, maybe Bill O’Reilly was right about the French after all.

Mmm, Salma Hayek. I think she might be the most beautiful woman who’s ever lived. You know she turns 40 this year? That’s really something.

John Williams was nominated twice in Best Score, for two different films, and didn’t win for either of them. That’s gotta be rough. Poor guy works so hard and just never gets any recognition for it.

I like that song, “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp.” I gotta say, it makes some good arguments in support of its thesis. I’m convinced. Then again, it just won Best Song, so it can’t be that hard, right?

Nominees:

Who Should Win: David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck.
Who Will Win: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Who DID Win: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote

Aww. Philip Seymour Hoffman just thanked his mother. That was nice.

Hey, I just discovered that if you’re sitting on a bed, and you turn a laundry basket upside down, it makes a pretty good place to put a dinner plate. This day just keeps getting better and better.

Nominees:

Who Should Win: Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
Who Will Win: Felicity Huffman, Transamerica
Who DID Win: Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line

Alas! The streak, she comes to an end. As always, this is what I get for failing to slavishly ape the conventional wisdom.

Boy, that Reese Witherspoon’s got some chin on ’er, doesn’t she? That’s okay. Doesn’t bother me a bit.

Nominees:

Who Should Win: Dan Futterman, Capote
Who Will Win: Larry McMurtry, Diana Ossana, Brokeback Mountain
Who DID Win: Larry McMurtry, Diana Ossana, Brokeback Mountain

This would seem to presage a big end of the night for Brokeback Mountain. I guess we’ll see.

Larry McMurtry looks exactly like Daniel Patrick Moynihan. I totally would not have predicted that.

In related news, I see that Supporting Actress nominee Michelle Williams has been “disowned” by the rooty-tooty Christian school she attended. “We don’t want to have anything to do with her in relation to that movie,” says the headmaster. “Michelle doesn’t represent the values of this institution.” Yeah, that’s real nice. Very Christian attitude there. I’m sure Jesus would approve. Asshole.

Nominees:

Who Should Win: George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Good Night, and Good Luck
Who Will Win: Paul Haggis, Robert Moresco, Crash
Who DID Win: Paul Haggis, Robert Moresco, Crash

Heh. I just now realized that Paul Haggis has the same name as haggis, and I can’t stop chuckling about it. It doesn’t take much to get me going.

Nominees:

Who Should Win: George Clooney, Good Night, and Good Luck
Who Will Win: Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
Who DID Win: Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain

Well, the Best Picture race certainly looks wide open at the moment, doesn’t it? This is certainly an unpredictable roller coaster ride of an Oscar year.

Nominees:

Who Should Win: Good Night, and Good Luck
Who Will Win: Brokeback Mountain
Who DID Win: Crash

I, I… I just don’t know what to say. I’m flabbergasted. My gast is as flabbered as it has ever been. The entertainment press has been running lots of stories about how Crash had gained a lot of momentum over the past few days, but they say that kind of crap every year and it’s never true. What could have caused this to happen, I wonder?

I end the night at 77 percent, my second-best performance ever, and yet I can’t help but feel slightly disappointed. I feel like Crash was given that surprise win just to spite me, personally. I take a lot of things personally that I shouldn’t. Only two of my personal choices won the Oscar, so my Hollywood Synergy Quotient is 22 percent; any higher than that and I would be embarrassed.

So them’s the Oscars for another year. It’s 8:34 PM on a Sunday, and I’m bored. Good night, good luck, and never forget that this is a cooler world for Johnny Cash having been in it. It’s hard out here for a pimp! Ah wish ah knew how t’ quit yew!

—Paul
March 5, 2006

“Sorry for my English.”
—some Frog, accepting for March of the Penguins

2006

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